


Outreach

by 1213659 (orphan_account)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationship, Arguments, Dialogue Heavy, Introspection, M/M, Reference to Previous Relationships, reference to coming out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/1213659
Summary: "You even parked near me," Sangyeon says as he sits on the bonnet of Jaehyun’s car."I thought it was a coincidence. Or a sign from the universe.""What could the universe have been trying to tell you?"Jaehyun shrugs. "I don't know yet."
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Outreach

The corridor leading up to the University auditorium is wide enough for a handful of fold-away tables to be set up as a signing in station on the righthand side and for another two tables to be set up as a refreshments station opposite. Unfortunately the corridor is not wide enough for people to also walk through the corridor to exchange their card tickets for seat numbers and a complimentary drink ticket. 

Sangyeon has been asked to breathe in by one too many people trying to squeeze past him and he isn't sure how much longer he can contain the observation that there is no room at all - breathing in isn't going to magically create any amount of space. Whenever the words do come out of Sangyeon’s mouth they won't be phrased nicely. But he needs to avoid getting kicked out of this event so that he can support Eric. 

Out of all the kids Sangyeon thinks it makes sense that Eric is receiving a citizenship award. Lately he has been putting his excess energy into volunteering and Sangyeon is proud of him. Eric is proud of himself too and had invited Sangyeon out to lunch one day and asked very nicely if Sangyeon could come to cheer for him seeing as his parents wouldn't be able to make it. There was no way Sangyeon would have refused yet Eric hugged him tight and thanked him over and over as though he really thought there was the possibility of a different reply. He could almost weep just thinking about it and that fact has nothing to do with the pungent odour that just slapped him in the face. Sangyeon would bet on the man directly in front of him being the phantom farter but he can't yet think of how best to raise the subject. 

Without inhaling too much decomposed air, Sangyeon eventually gets shuffled to the front of the queue and he hands over the ticket to the third woman along the table. The corners of the green card have curled since Sangyeon received the ticket but he doesn't think that is a good reason for the woman on the other side of the table to wrinkle her nose at it before she looks down the printed list on the table. 

"Could you confirm whose guest you are?" 

"Sohn Youngjae?" 

The woman frowns through the little round spectacles perched on the bridge of her nose. "Where is the other ticket?" 

"Why do I need two tickets? I am just one person." 

The woman grumbles at the back of her throat before she says, "It says here that Sohn Youngjae requested two tickets. Two tickets for two guests. Are you with someone else?" 

Sangyeon can almost understand the concept but he can't quite understand the line of questioning nor why it would be such an issue. "It's just me. By myself."

"Are you sure about that?" 

"Yes?" 

The woman sighs and shakes her head. "Two tickets were requested so two must enter. If you read the back of the ticket you would see the terms and conditions. All tickets requested for a single group must be returned to us even if the tickets are not all allocated to guests. It is a matter of security. We would like to minimise the risk of unauthorised entry. That is why all the tickets are numbered."

That makes no sense. Even if he had listened to everything the woman said, Sangyeon wouldn't be able to understand these rules. 

"I could just bring a random person with me if I had the second ticket - isn't that dangerous too?" Sangyeon asks. 

The woman nods but Sangyeon doesn't think she is paying attention to the excellent point he just made. "We are unable to admit you without both tickets."

"But what about Eric?" 

"Who?" 

"Sohn Youngjae! His parents couldn't come and he asked me to come instead!" Sangyeon is not above begging. He clasps his hands together and decides he will really have to get on his knees if the woman isn't receptive to his sincere pleas. "If you don't let me in he isn't going to have anyone to support him and take him out afterwards for a congratulatory dinner! I mean, I would wait anyway. I would have to take him out to dinner at the very least, but he won't have anyone to record him going to collect his award!"

"Private photography is prohibited."

Sangyeon doesn't understand how he is making this worse. He glances around to make sure nobody will step on him and gets on his knees. "Please. Eric is like a son to me. I need to be here to support him."

"You're not old enough to have a son of university age."

Granted Sangyeon is a good two decades younger than most people here, but that shouldn't invalidate his goal. Sangyeon tries a smile. "That's why I said 'like' a son to me. I don't have any biological children at all."

The woman definitely rolls her eyes and mutters something rude under her breath but Sangyeon can't verify it on account of the fact he gets distracted by an obnoxiously loud, "Lee Sangyeon, is that you?" 

Sangyeon looks around. It is him, but all he can see around him are midriffs. But he definitely heard the voice of Jaehyun. His voice has the quality which sets people's teeth on edge so there is no way it could be anyone else. Sangyeon stands up, stretches onto tiptoe, and spots Jaehyun squeezing through the disorganised mass of people without so much as a single 'excuse me'. 

"What are you doing here?" Jaehyun asks. He is jostled closer and there isn't anywhere for Sangyeon to go except right into the table behind him. He would at least like to attempt diplomacy before flipping the table in his attempts to get his own way, so Sangyeon just breathes in and hopes this level of proximity won't become a habit. 

"I'm here for Eric. I can only imagine you are too? Unless one of the other kids has secretly been doing charity work?" 

"Just Eric," Jaehyun confirms. Which should mean he is in possession of the other ticket. 

"Hurry and give the lady your ticket."

"Why?" Jaehyun asks as he digs into his pocket. "I feel bad for pushing in, I just came over here to laugh at you."

Sangyeon doesn't care about any of that. He snatches the ticket from Jaehyun's fingers and shoves it at the woman. "Can we go inside now? Don't tell me there's a secret third ticket or I will tear my hair out right now."

"I'd like to see that," Jaehyun says unhelpfully. 

"What's wrong now? Eric is like a son to him too. We're very proud parents."

"Should I believe you even though you just told me a moment ago that you're the only one here to support your 'son'? Couldn't this young man be a random person you brought along with you?" 

Sangyeon narrows his eyes. This woman is sly to be able to use his own words against him so easily. He doesn't have a retort for this. Nobody else is having so much trouble getting inside. 

"Why aren't you telling this kind lady that we're very good friends?" Jaehyun asks. The moments when Jaehyun turns his tone unctuous always rub Sangyeon the wrong way and he can only hope he is managing to maintain a neutral expression in the face of this adversary. Not that Jaehyun cares what Sangyeon dislikes about hearing his voice. "Look, here's a good picture. There's little Eric, and there's me and this guy. See, we're all good friends. Although I'm not sure why you need us to prove something like this."

Incomprehension is plain on the woman's face and she adjusts her glasses fruitlessly. They won't help her see any better. 

"Jaehyun, shut up, why would she know what Eric looks like? There are hundreds of students at this university," Sangyeon points out. "Can't you just check the number on his ticket like you mentioned before?" 

The woman purses her lips and eventually checks down the list and crosses out the ticket numbers allocated to Sohn Youngjae. She hands over two raffle ticket tokens for drinks and gestures to the foldaway table behind them.

"Have a nice evening," Jaehyun says as he waves and turns to face the refreshments table. "Oh. There's a queue. Are you thirsty?" 

"I actually am," Sangyeon admits. 

"Can you wait?" 

Sangyeon sighs. He loops his arm around Jaehyun's and pulls him towards the mush of people huddling around the auditorium doors. So now they have more waiting around. 

"I wasn't expecting you to be here. You scrub up nice anyhow," Sangyeon notes. Jaehyun always looks good when he makes an effort but Sangyeon feels oddly competitive about it. He doesn't think he would be too much of a disappointment if Eric saw them side by side. They've both made an effort. They both want to make a good impression as Eric's friends and supporters. 

"I always look good," Jaehyun shrugs. "I saw your car outside and thought I was mistaken. When did Eric ask you to come?" 

"Last week. He took me to lunch at this cute little café where they had this nice rainbow bread. You should try it some time. It actually tastes quite nice. I didn't have any for myself, I just tried a piece of Eric's. I had this interesting wrap. Dosa? I think that's what it was called--"

"Sangyeon, why are you telling me all of this?" 

"You asked--" Sangyeon pauses. He hasn't been quite sure of himself with Jaehyun since The Moment which Turned Out to Not Be a Moment. He needs to calm down. "Nevermind."

"Are you nervous?" Jaehyun asks as he keeps looking ahead for the line to move forward. "Our precious son is receiving an award and we need to make sure not to embarrass him. I am not sure if he wants you to be as lovey-dovey with him as you are with me."

"Sorry."

Jaehyun makes a small noise in the back of his throat as Sangyeon unloops their arms and then says, "Even though I thought it was just going to be me, I'm glad you're here after all. It would be weird if I was the only one to see something special. I wouldn't want to hide something like that from you."

"But you didn't tell me beforehand to ask if I'd be here," Sangyeon points out. 

"You never told me either," Jaehyun says quickly. "Were you keeping it a secret from me?"

Sangyeon sighs. Of course Jaehyun would spin it that way. Sangyeon hadn't even thought of Jaehyun. He was just glad he had the opportunity to do something nice for Eric. But there are worse people to be stuck with. 

Sangyeon and Jaehyun find their seats after the usher points them in the right direction. They are quite far back in the auditorium and surrounded by middle-aged couples and a few of their bored children. Jaehyun keeps shushing Sangyeon every time he makes a comment as though he is afraid someone nearby will be offended on behalf of anyone on the stage for the award ceremony. Sangyeon thinks that is pretty rich of Jaehyun seeing as Jaehyun practically jumped out of his seat when the students being honoured filed into the auditorium. Eric did wave up to the back of the auditorium upon hearing the noises Jaehyun was making. 

Sangyeon can't say he isn't just as loud as Jaehyun when Eric is presented with his citizenship award. He moves around too much for the video he sneakily records of Eric's short speech to be any good but Jaehyun still asks to watch it on mute twice before the ceremony is over. 

Eventually the evening is over and they can wait around for Eric to come and find them in the car park. 

"You even parked near me," Sangyeon says as he sits on the bonnet of Jaehyun’s car. The night is fresh and Sangyeon wishes he had a coat but Jaehyun has even rolled his sleeves up. It is better that only one of them is cold. 

"I thought it was a coincidence. Or a sign from the universe." 

"What could the universe have been trying to tell you?" 

Jaehyun shrugs. "I don't know yet."

Sangyeon grins. "So it wasn't a sign that I'd be here?" 

Jaehyun leans on his car beside Sangyeon. "The universe is always giving me signs about that. I have started ignoring them because they're usually false alarms."

"Do a lot of people drive the same car as me?" Sangyeon asks. 

Jaehyun calls Sangyeon stupid, like he always does, before Sangyeon even gets a chance to ask about dinner. But Eric is practically skipping over when he spots them sitting on Jaehyun's car. 

"Hi! Did you see me? I got an award!" 

"We saw you," Jaehyun says as he draws Eric into his arms. "We're both so proud of you. Tonight you're our favourite son."

"You can't say that," Sangyeon says even though he was sort of thinking the same thing.

Eric grins at Sangyeon from Jaehyun's arms and says, "Do you still have time tonight? The tutor who organised the volunteering scheme actually wanted to meet you both."

"Why?" 

Judging by the surprise on Eric's face, Sangyeon asked the question too quickly. 

"Do you not want to meet my tutor? She runs the volunteering scheme and one of the clubs I am a member of, and I sort of already told her that you would be fine to see her. I can tell her you said no if you want," Eric suggests. 

"No it's fine. We'll meet her," Sangyeon says. Jaehyun pulls a face but Sangyeon can only shrug. He doesn't know any better what this is about. 

Sangyeon certainly doesn't have a clue as Eric leads the way to another part of the campus. Jaehyun still finds it prudent to sling his arm over Sangyeon’s shoulder and, closely and quietly enough that Eric can't hear, asks, "When can we ask him why he tricked us into coming here?" 

"I don't think you should say 'tricked' when you ask him. Look how happy he is. You'll hurt his feelings for sure."

"Why do I have to ask?" Jaehyun grumbles. 

"It's your idea. And I can't bear to break our favourite son's heart tonight."

Eric holds open the door to the building block and even with the light behind him he is clearly impatient. Sangyeon hurries his pace and Jaehyun's arm falls away from Sangyeon's shoulders as he follows. 

They end up on the third floor after Eric makes them take the stairs instead of the lift for reasons he won't divulge. Eric stops at a door which is no different to any of the others to Sangyeon’s unfamiliar eye, and he opens the door immediately after knocking. 

Inside the classroom is a woman who is happy to see Eric. She congratulates him and tells him she is proud emphatically enough that Sangyeon wonders just how many people Eric has endeared himself this closely to. 

Eric hasn't forgotten about Sangyeon and Jaehyun though. 

"This is my tutor Hyojin. She's really cool," Eric explains. "And this is Sangyeon and Jaehyun. They're like two fun dads. They are really nice."

"I have heard so much about you," Hyojin says as she smiles warmly at the two of them. "It is no wonder that Youngjae is such a kind and helpful young man with people like you looking after him."

"His parents didn't do a bad job either," Jaehyun says. Hyojin chuckles but it isn't even funny. Sangyeon hasn't got a clue what she could possibly be laughing at. 

Hyojin sits them around a desk and tells Sangyeon and Jaehyun all about the volunteering Eric does around the university campus in addition to the hours he does at the elderly care home. It all sounds very impressive, especially when Hyojin tells them about Eric's role as a mentor to a high school student which Sangyeon hasn't heard a single word of. 

"You're a mentor to another kid?" Sangyeon asks. 

"Yeah! She's really funny, she reminds me of Jaehyun."

"I hope you haven't told her that. Think of what sort of complex she'll have if you tell her she reminds you of him."

"What's wrong with being like me?" Jaehyun pouts. "I think she'd be happy to hear how smart, and funny, and beautiful she is."

Eric shrugs. "I just said she reminds me of one of my friends. She didn't really ask for any specifics after I said she was funny. She's tall too."

"Funny and tall," Jaehyun repeats as he turns to Sangyeon smugly. "No wonder she wouldn't remind our Eric of you."

Hyojin is still smiling, though if Sangyeon was in her position he wouldn't particularly want to interrupt when someone is having so much fun tossing little barbs. But she does say, "Youngjae talks a lot about the two of you and what a great help and influence you have been to him. His volunteering aside, Youngjae has really blossomed in his role in the club and he has repeatedly said that he wants to do for other young people what you have done for him."

Sangyeon glances at Eric and wonders why he is being so shy about the praise. Jaehyun isn't taking any notice of that. He's frowning lightly at Hyojin and probably hasn't even realised that Eric's gaze is stuck to the surface of the desk. 

"Forgive me if this has already been mentioned," Jaehyun says, "but a lot has happened today. What is the nature of this club? Is it not just about volunteering?" 

Hyojin presses her lips together as through checking the spread of her lipstick might ward away her frown. "Has Youngjae not mentioned it to you?" 

Eric laughs, a rushed, humourless sound, "It is linked to something else that I was meaning to tell them. There just hasn't been a good time."

Hyojin and Eric share a look and a moment later Hyojin pats Eric's knee lightly. She says, "Our club has an outreach scheme. We give our club email to students from high schools who are interested in attending this university. Some kids get in touch and some of those kids are interested in the mentorship scheme we provide. Youngjae is a friend to the student he was allocated. He helps the student out with schoolwork, projects, university admissions, and is a person that student can confide in if they ever have that need."

Jaehyun still looks confused. Sangyeon likes the sound of it though. "I never thought he'd turn into someone with responsibilities like this. Eric- Youngjae has always been the baby of our group of friends. Thank you for giving our kid a chance to prove himself like this."

"Not at all," Hyojin says. "He's truly a pleasure to have around."

Sangyeon doesn't doubt that. Eric is a refreshing person to have around. Even if keeping up with him is tiring, Sangyeon is glad of having him around. He doesn't think he could possibly be prouder of Eric. Jaehyun seems to think differently. 

The three of them are walking back to the car park, strolling through the bite of the deepening night along the path illuminated by streetlights, when Jaehyun asks, "When are you going to tell us?" 

Eric balks and draws away from Jaehyun. He sends Sangyeon a glance he can't hope to parse and says, "What are you talking about?" 

"Don't worry about it. I love you," Jaehyun says, light in his defeat. "I thought it was going to be tonight, but the timing seems wrong now. There's no pressure. You know you can tell us anything at any time. Although I do want an answer now as to why you would trick Sangyeon and I into coming here."

Eric doesn't say anything for a moment. As much as Sangyeon wants to respect whatever pacing Eric has deemed appropriate, he is curious about the fact he never knew Jaehyun was also a guest. 

"It wasn't a trick," Eric says awkwardly. "I didn't think you'd both come if I invited you together."

"Why wouldn't we?" Sangyeon asks despite himself. 

"I've tried to invite you to things before. Less important things, but you wouldn't come together. I thought that this would be the same. If you did agree I thought you would invite the others too."

"What's wrong with the others?" Sangyeon asks. He is mystified by this Eric who kicks the pavement with each step. Eric is the very essence of 'the more the merrier', so this reasoning seems off. 

"I just wanted it to be the three of us. I wanted to be the special one for the day."

"You are special," Sangyeon says slowly. "I'm sorry if you don't feel that way. We can make more time for you. You can tell us more about your club work too!" 

Eric smiles and drops the expression soon afterwards. Sangyeon doesn't like seeing an Eric who needs to put so much effort into happiness but he doesn't know how to remind him how to form smiles that start in the heart. 

Sangyeon guiltily feels glad that Eric decides to sit in Jaehyun's car. Sangyeon follows Jaehyun's car to his home and he waits patiently for the others to get into his car. Eric is first and he gets into the front passenger seat silently. 

"Are you alright?" 

"Yeah. Fine." 

Eric couldn't be less fine if he tried. Sangyeon doesn't know what to say to him. Asking if there are any specific restaurants Eric would like to go to doesn't yield much in the way of results. Sangyeon finds himself even more stuck for something to say when Jaehyun has finally locked his car. 

Jaehyun pauses at the front of the car before realising Eric is already occupying the front seat. Jaehyun slams the car door and it is reflexive to say, "How would you feel if I did that to your head?" 

"Shut up."

Sangyeon twists to look at Jaehyun in the back seat. He has missed something big but he doesn't know what. The uneasiness in the air doesn't bode well for a long drive so Sangyeon decides to stick nearby. Eric doesn't have any preference and Jaehyun doesn't really have a choice in the matter so Sangyeon drives them to a street on the outskirts of the city centre. Sangyeon pays at the parking meter and the three of them walk along the street until Sangyeon diverts them into one of the restaurants at random. 

It isn't an entirely random choice. Sangyeon has been here a few times and he knows the menu has some nice variety even if he hasn't been inclined to try it all. 

The smell of the food is hearty and Sangyeon’s mouth is already watering before he can confirm with the waitress that they need a table for three. Sangyeon asks Jaehyun to order his drink and he goes to the toilet. He isn't certain that going out for dinner right now is the best idea considering how Eric and Jaehyun are both sulking about something. Sangyeon takes his time washing his hands but he doesn't think of anything to lighten the mood. They should all be happy about Eric's award but instead Sangyeon is awkwardly trying to think up artificial boosters for the mood. 

By the time Sangyeon gets back to the table and takes a seat beside Jaehyun, things aren't much better. Jaehyun at least takes a break from glaring at Eric to pass Sangyeon a drink. 

"What's this?" Sangyeon asks as he eyes the notably transparent liquid in the glass. It looks like water. He takes a sip. "This is water. Did they run out of everything else?" 

"No. I don't know what you like," Jaehyun grumbles. 

That's a lie if Sangyeon ever heard one. Jaehyun always knows what Sangyeon likes when it suits him. 

No matter. Sangyeon slides his card out of his wallet and hands his card over to Eric. "Hey, could you go and get me a drink from the bar? Just a cola or something. If you want to get yourself something else too you should go ahead."

Eric takes the hint, though not without sending a curious glance Sangyeon’s way. Sangyeon ignores the silent question until Eric is out of earshot. 

"What is wrong with you? Did you say something to upset Eric?" 

Jaehyun sighs. "Why is that your first question? Maybe he said something to upset me."

"He wouldn't."

Jaehyun's eyes widen a fraction and then he returns to glowering at the unsuspecting family seated across the gangway. "You don't know everything about me, Sangyeon. You don't know what upsets me."

Jaehyun isn't one to act up like this. He will keep needling someone when they are already irritated, but that is minor compared to the open sulkiness which can't be helping Eric's strange mood. Sangyeon tries to look sympathetic and he knocks a knuckle against Jaehyun's shoulder. "Hey, he's just a kid. Whatever he said, he probably didn't mean it. Or he might have just phrased it carelessly. Eric wouldn't want to upset you."

Jaehyun is quiet for long enough that Sangyeon supposes that will be the end of things until Eric returns, but he finally says, "The issue is what he isn't saying. He is obviously trying to tell us something. He has been trying. Inviting us out separately to ask us to see his award must have been for another reason. Lying about how difficult it is to get us to both agree to something was stupid. Unless you've been telling him things I don't know why he would ever think that we wouldn't both want to be somewhere for him."

Sangyeon can only imagine what he is being suspected of telling Eric but it isn't something he would ever confide in one of the kids. Sangyeon has been drawn into telling Hyunjun things he shouldn't say when he has drunk too much but Sangyeon hasn't said anything recently. Not about Jaehyun and not about times that are too embarrassing to recall because he had misread a situation. 

He swallows back the bitterness of memory fragments. He can be civil. "I haven't said anything to anyone."

Jaehyun nods absently. "Exactly. So he's just making things up to deflect. But why is it so difficult to say? I've already guessed it and I want him to rely on me, on us, but he won't. What sort of friends are we if he feels that he can't tell us something like this?" 

"Hold on, when we were at the uni campus didn't you say something about Eric taking his time to tell you things? No pressure? What changed?" 

"That was before I started thinking clearly," Jaehyun says. "Why can he tell strangers but not the two of us? How can he tell people that we're like fun dads and not tell us anything that he wanted to tell us at some point?" 

Sangyeon sighs. There isn't anything he can say to dredge Jaehyun out of this particular misery. He pats Jaehyun's shoulder as encouragingly as he can and hopes he seems like he cares. "Give him more time. Whatever it is must be difficult, so try not to put pressure on him."

"You're being weird," Jaehyun says. "You're usually so nosy. Why aren't you trying to guess what it is? You should be asking me if I think he's trying to tell us that he doesn't want to be friends with us anymore."

Sangyeon can't help laughing. He isn't even sure if he really is that sort of person or he simply feels off-kilter because being alone with Jaehyun is a shade more difficult than it used to be. He can manage. This is fine. 

"Maybe he just needs to build up to it."

Jaehyun looks thoughtful for a moment. "Do you think that is why Eric is taking so long now? Because he is building up to something?" 

Jaehyun is making a good point about how long Eric has been gone. For one very brief moment Sangyeon wonders whether Eric has absconded with his card. Eric wouldn't do that (probably) so the moment of doubt pricks Sangyeon with guilt until he sees the curious expression Jaehyun is fixing him with. 

"What?" 

"Nothing." Jaehyun looks away from Sangyeon as though he expects to sound convincing. Whether Jaehyun has credibility or not, Sangyeon realises that he should drop things like this as easily as he is willing to drop his curiosity about Eric being reluctant to say something he has told people he has known for a far shorter time. Sangyeon isn't going to press Eric and he shouldn't press Jaehyun either. 

Two weeks have elapsed since Sangyeon has seen what happens when he presses Jaehyun for explanations of things he shouldn't pay attention to. 

As far as distractions go, Sangyeon is glad to see Eric returning to the table at a careful pace. 

"It took that long to get one drink?" Jaehyun asks with his eyebrows raised when Eric slides Sangyeon’s cola and his card across the table. 

"It wasn't just one drink," Eric says. 

"Then what was it?" 

"There was this really nice lady," Eric begins right before a waitress with trembling arms and cheeks red from exertion just about manages to place down what Sangyeon can only imagine is a large fishbowl crammed full of ice cream. The mound of ice cream scoops slopes steadily above the rim of the fish bowl and is skewered with half a dozen sparklers and cocktail umbrellas. 

"What's that?" Sangyeon asks. He thinks he manages not to sound as frantic as he feels at the sight of the gargantuan gelato mountain. He squeezes his debit card but that isn't really telling of how much of his money Eric has just spent. 

"This really nice lady heard about my award and suggested I should treat myself, no expense spared. I almost forgot your pin number but luckily I remembered eventually."

Jaehyun scoffs. "That costs more than the contactless limit?" 

Eric gapes like a surprised salmon, silent in his gasp, before he says, "... The cola."

"It's pretty obvious that the ice cream costs more than one stupid cola," Sangyeon says through gritted teeth. 

"Are you mad?" Eric asks. "The nice lady said you wouldn't be mad."

The nice lady in question is staring down at Sangyeon with a far more malignant gaze than is polite in a restaurant. Jaehyun nudges Sangyeon’s leg. Sangyeon manages a tight smile. 

"Why would I be mad?" 

"You look like you're mad at me," Eric insists. 

Sangyeon isn't sure how much he is supposed to refute something which is obviously true. He nudges Jaehyun back and at least it earns him some level of assistance. 

"Sangyeon’s really not mad at you. That's his proud face."

"That had better be exactly what it is or else," The nice lady waitress says. She pats Eric's shoulder and smiles warmly enough to melt the very expensive mountain of ice cream. "Well done on getting your award. You deserve to be spoilt today."

Sangyeon waits until she has gone before airing his complaints. "Jaehyun, that woman just threatened me."

"I know, baby," Jaehyun says in the least sympathetic tone Sangyeon has ever heard. There isn't a single iota of remorse in his expression when he sips his drink and clocks how unimpressed Sangyeon is. "What do you want me to do, Sangyeon? Get her to come back and apologise to you? We just won't leave a tip, does that sound better?" 

"We can't come to a restaurant and not leave a tip!" 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes and peers down at his menu. "You are just being unreasonable now. I don't know what you want. Eric, don't eat that too fast or you'll give yourself brainfreeze."

Eric doesn't look like he remotely intends to heed Jaehyun's warning and Sangyeon is dubious about whether he could steal enough napkins to fashion into a sick bag. And then he hears Jaehyun muttering to himself about how the menu descriptions are making it too difficult to choose. 

"That waitress didn't even take our order. Did we come here to starve?" Sangyeon cranes his neck this way and that but he fails to catch the eye of anyone who works here. Jaehyun pulls him back down to sit in his seat properly. 

Behind his menu, Jaehyun whispers, "Relax, we have plenty of time. I am sure Eric will eventually say something if we're here long enough. 

Sangyeon cannot believe Jaehyun. Or he wishes he couldn't believe Jaehyun. This is beginning to sound like the exact sort of thing Jaehyun enjoys though Sangyeon doesn't think this newfound positivity will last for too long. 

By the time someone comes to take an order for something which isn't bankruptcy-inducing ice cream, Eric does admittedly say a lot. Not all of it in a logical order but it is good enough when Sangyeon manages to piece together the fact that "Yujin", and "my mentee", and "the student" can all be used interchangeably. 

Yujin (the student mentee) is taller than Eric is and he has asked her a lot of questions about growth tips. None of the tips have worked so far but Eric still likes Yujin. Eric spends three consecutive minutes just describing Yujin's glasses and how blind she is, and that is the longest stretch of time he spends talking about one thing. Sangyeon hasn't been able to work much out from the fragments of anecdotes about meeting for the first time and going out bowling once a month and consoling each other through heartbreak and failing tests and favourite ice cream flavours and losing lip balm and learning to do handstands and pacts to dye their hair so it matches. 

All Sangyeon can ascertain is the fact that Eric has fun with his new friend Yujin. Sangyeon can even ignore the fact that Eric let most of the ice cream melt into a viscous soup of chalky pastel hues because he's glad to hear about all the fun Eric is having through the club and his volunteer work. 

Throughout, Jaehyun is quiet. He nods and smiles and his chin wrinkles when his smiles creep into a vaguer expression of emotion. Sangyeon thinks that the face he's looking at now flitting between shades of beatific joy is what a proud face looks like. 

They're happy for their kid, Sangyeon and Jaehyun both. 

As hungry as he thought he was, Sangyeon doesn't eat a lot. Perhaps the long wait filed the edge from his hunger, or maybe seen Eric eat his meal in the wrong order whilst chattering a mile a minute fills Sangyeon’s belly in ways food never could. 

The drive home seems almost normal because Jaehyun is at least volleying responses back to Eric from the backseat. But Sangyeon can still tell that Jaehyun isn't quite happy. 

Eric is smiling again and nothing else matters as much as when they reach Eric's house and Sangyeon squeezes him tight in a hug goodnight and goodbye. Eric thanks Sangyeon for everything but Sangyeon doesn't think he has done anything particularly impressive - he couldn't even stay calm about the giant ice cream Eric bought. Jaehyun gets out of the car when Eric does and their embrace looks endless as Jaehyun tells Eric over and over just how proud he is. 

Before Eric hurries inside Sangyeon decides to tell him that they can spend as much time as he wants together without the others. There is a pause before Eric smiles into the car at Sangyeon and says goodnight for the last time. 

With Jaehyun in the front passenger seat the drive is quiet. Jaehyun has already expended all his efforts to act normal but Sangyeon is left having to endure the odd sulkiness creeping over Jaehyun's demeanour. Sangyeon asks a few vague questions, makes his own bland observations and realises it is better to just give up for tonight. He contents himself by singing along to the radio in the meantime. He stops the car outside Jaehyun's place and waits. 

And Jaehyun waits too. 

With his car idling at the kerb and Jaehyun still sitting in the passenger seat, Sangyeon doesn't see the harm in asking, "Why are you being so weird today?" 

Jaehyun glares at Sangyeon but he could have avoided a question like this simply by getting out of the car as soon as they arrived. Instead he's still sitting beside Sangyeon and he might as well reply because there is nothing good to listen to on the radio. 

"Go on," Sangyeon prompts, "Answer the question. You're being strange enough that it would be irresponsible of me not to say anything."

"Why aren't you feeling the same way I am?" 

"I'm not a crazy person?" Sangyeon suggests. Jaehyun makes an irritated sound. 

"Prick," he mutters. "You think you're not crazy but you're gay, aren't you?" 

Questions that make no sense are easy to startle sounds and that is Sangyeon’s excuse for laughing. "What does that have to do with anything? Am I supposed to be as dramatic as you are?" 

Jaehyun sighs, loud and harsh. "How do you not get it? Eric tells people we're like parents to him but we're not his parents. We're his friends and he should feel comfortable to tell us things that he can't tell his actual parents. We're not going to judge him for anything. I love him. We love him. He obviously wants to tell us but he won't. He's tried."

Sangyeon hadn't thought Jaehyun would be so annoyed by the secrecy. They can't know everything but he supposes Jaehyun is more impatient. 

"He can tell us in his own time," Sangyeon says. 

"He took us out to especially tell us but he didn't tell us, he just skipped that part and invited us to the award ceremony. Did you say anything to him that made him not want to tell you when you had lunch together? Or do you not remember anything aside from your stupid gay bread?" 

"What is wrong with you?" Sangyeon asks.

Jaehyun sweeps his hair away from his forehead and Sangyeon watches it fall back into his face as though he hadn't done a thing. He sighs. 

"I came out to my parents and they thanked me for telling them and never talked about it again. And then every few months since they try to set me up with the daughters of their colleagues." 

"Hey," Sangyeon sympathetically as he rubs Jaehyun's shoulder. He didn't really expect they'd be digging up emotional baggage. "Maybe they were trying in their own way."

"Exactly," Jaehyun says, "They're trying. I think. Sometimes I wonder if they both genuinely forgot. But we would try so much better. If I had a choice I would have told us over my actual parents. Or was it so easy for you that you don't want our son to tell us anything?" 

Sangyeon hesitates. And then he supposes that he doesn't have anything to lose. "I actually haven't told my parents."

"What?" 

"It never came up," Sangyeon says. 

"How could it not come up, Sangyeon? You've never come out to your family?" Jaehyun splutters. "You've had so many boyfriends. Proper, actual boyfriends. You've lived with, like, three of them! Do they just think you're a difficult person to live with and that's why you're always moving out and never mentioning your old roommates ever again? Surely they can't think you're completely removing people from your life for no reason." 

When Jaehyun lists things like that it sounds silly. 

"It isn't anything that they needed to know," Sangyeon says quietly. "Maybe they already know. But at this point I don't really want to say it. When I was younger I thought it would be better to wait until I had a boyfriend to say anything just in case they thought I was just saying it. But when I had boyfriends I didn't want to say anything in case they tried to change my mind about them. And then after we broke up I thought my parents were right. Or they would have been if I told them and they had tried to change my mind."

Jaehyun is quiet for a moment. These are the sorts of conversations Sangyeon thinks it is better to avoid because they make it difficult to speak through the density of the air. Right now Sangyeon’s car feels too small yet Jaehyun seems too far away. He knows he must be speaking too quietly to be heard properly but there are too many things he had hoped he'd never have to tell anyone. 

For a long moment Sangyeon can pretend he never said anything at all, that thoughts he'd always kept privately had never been heard by any other ears. But Jaehyun exhales shortly, just enough to snuff out that vain hope. 

"Are you saying that even when you were with that one guy for like two years you were scared your parents were going to talk you out of it? That Chu Sunghyun guy that you literally wouldn't shut up about?" 

Sangyeon laughs. This is typical Jaehyun and Sangyeon is glad he is reliable to this extent. "I must not have talked about him enough if you can still get his name so wrong. Or was that on purpose?" 

"It was on purpose." 

"Of course."

Jaehyun twists in his seat and he shoos away Sangyeon’s hands when he tries to shield the handbrake. His leg is warm against Sangyeon’s thigh. At least he's making himself comfortable. 

"Between you and me," Jaehyun says, "how much would you have to love someone before you feel like you can tell your parents? That they wouldn't try to change your mind?" 

Sangyeon isn't sure. He has fallen in love plenty of times and wondered whether it was enough to tell his parents and hope they'd simply be happy for him. But he has fallen out of love just as many times and being a coward always appeared to be the sensible option afterwards. He thinks about how he has felt himself slipping into something that runs parallel to the rhythm of love but recent events have made him realise he shouldn't breathe a word of that to anyone. Nonetheless he is finding it difficult to pretend he has never thought about it when he has Jaehyun sitting in the passenger seat of his car, gaze soft with exhaustion. 

This is neither the time nor the place. They're not the people who exist only in daydreams. They don't need to have a big discussion about it. Sangyeon has seen Jaehyun recoil one too many times and he isn't prepared to have sympathy heaped on top of that. They're friends, mostly, and he isn't about to burden this particular friend with things that won't matter in a year or two (or three if the fancy that takes hold proves pervasive). 

"I don't think I would ever tell them," Sangyeon says. Jaehyun's eyes widen and Sangyeon wonders whether it counts as backtracking if he is one going to reaffirm the same sentiment. "They probably don't care anyway. Imagine if I made this big fuss about telling them and they just asked why I bothered? I'm not hiding anything. I'm just not outright saying it."

"But you said you have wanted to tell them. You wouldn't want to tell them without at least thinking they would want to know, or that they'd be okay with it." 

"Does it make things better if my sister sort of found out recently?" 

"How did she find out?" Jaehyun asks suspiciously. 

Sangyeon should have seen a question like this coming and he should have thought up a better response than the truth. Certain subjects are refusing to be left alone tonight but Sangyeon is still going to gloss over them and hope he is allowed his ignorance. 

"I was upset," Sangyeon says vaguely. 

"Oh. Because straight people don't have feelings, right?" 

"Exactly." 

"That makes sense," Jaehyun muses. Sangyeon is glad that at least here he is allowed to skirt around the subject he can't stop himself from thinking about. He doesn't need to say it and he doesn't need to worry about how being unable to unshackle himself from feelings is going to stall a friendship. 

"Your sister is nice. Have you actually talked about it with her? 

Beyond being told that he is a great guy who anybody would be lucky to have, and that there are plenty more fish in the sea, there wasn't much of a conversation. It is better that way. Sangyeon doesn't want too many people to know the full extent of how pathetic he can be. Pretending platitudes help is one way around that. 

Sangyeon shakes his head. Jaehyun sighs. 

"There's no hope. I can't believe our Eric takes after you. I shouldn't be getting mad at him when he can't help it. The one I should be angry with is you."

"Have you tried not being mad at anyone?" 

"That would suit you," Jaehyun grumbles. "That's our son and he's hiding stuff from us."

"It must be puberty," Sangyeon says, equally as seriously.

"I won't stand for it," Jaehyun says he pulls his phone out of his pocket and holds it too close to his face. "I'm going to tell him that I love him again just in case he doesn't believe me."

"He already knows."

"Maybe he doesn't hear it enough," Jaehyun says with his phone held up to his ear. "Shush, he's-- Eric, hi, how are you? I know we just saw each other. I just wanted to make sure my precious son is tucked into bed and he knows how much I love him. Sangyeon wanted to tell you too."

Jaehyun puts his phone on speaker and gives Sangyeon a significant look. As much as Sangyeon wants to tell Jaehyun that he's an idiot he isn't going to put that before saying goodnight to Eric all over again. 

"Hi, Eric, we didn't wake you, did we?" 

"No. I'm not sleeping. I'm just deciding what to play tonight."

"We shouldn't keep you then. No hard feelings about the ice cream, okay? I love you, Eric. Goodnight." Sangyeon waits until he hears the uncertain reply before hissing at Jaehyun to hang up. For some reason Jaehyun refuses so Sangyeon has no choice but to snatch Jaehyun's phone and end the call. He extends his arm between them and hopes that is enough to deter Jaehyun from lunging at him. "What did you think was going to happen when you called?" 

"Nothing. I just thought he should know that I love him. Why did you bring up the ice cream? Do you want him to think we're lying about loving him?"

"He doesn't think we're lying," Sangyeon says. He feels tired. Jaehyun on the other hand has endless energy to waste. 

"Then why won't he tell us? We love him and we're understanding. We can support him and stop him from being led astray by sketchy older guys. There is stuff that I don't want Eric to have to go through because we've already made all the mistakes for him."

Sangyeon isn't sure how much longer he can force his ignorance about what Jaehyun is hinting about. A moment later he realises he can't ignore something Jaehyun is determined to discuss. 

"Eric hasn't said anything to me and he hasn't said anything to you. I don't feel comfortable talking about something like this when Eric hasn't even spoken to us about it. You need to stop."

Jaehyun is quiet for a moment. He shoves Sangyeon’s arm out of the way. "Give me my phone."

"No." 

Jaehyun gets out of the car. Sangyeon scrambles to switch off the engine and lock his car so that he can follow Jaehyun. It is a lucky thing that the security door at the front of Jaehyun’s building sticks so Sangyeon has the chance to catch up. Even if Jaehyun does tell Sangyeon to leave him alone. 

"I wish I could leave you alone," Sangyeon says. "But I have this feeling that if I leave you alone now you'd never speak to me again."

"You have my phone," Jaehyun says as he lets them both into his building, "so I think I would struggle to contact you if I even wanted to."

Sangyeon grins as he follows Jaehyun along the narrow corridor to the creaky staircase. Jaehyun could tell Sangyeon to get out, or he could have refused Sangyeon entry in the first place. And he still has the chance to kick Sangyeon out at any point now. 

When Jaehyun switches on the lights in his flat he holds his hand out. Sangyeon hands over Jaehyun's phone. Jaehyun frowns. 

"Oh. I meant your blazer." 

Sangyeon doesn't try very hard to stop smiling as he slips his jacket from his shoulders and hands it over. Jaehyun hangs both their coats and tells Sangyeon to shut up. 

"I'm not talking."

"I don't care. Still shut up," Jaehyun says. "Do you want anything to drink?" 

"What are you offering?" 

Jaehyun gives Sangyeon a long look and eventually says, "Nevermind. Go and sit down or something. I need to pee."

Sangyeon sits down, just like he is told, and scrolls through his phone while he waits. He sends Eric a text and hopes his apology makes up for whatever happened this evening. He spends the rest of his time responding to the eight messages Chanhee sent him because anything more than one is sign of an emergency. When he looks up from his phone it is to see a young woman wearing an oversized lemon T-shirt and staring down at him so hard that she is going cross-eyed. 

"Hi," Sangyeon says cautiously. 

"Do I know you?" 

"I'm Sangyeon. What's your name?" 

The woman narrows her eyes. "Should I tell you? Did you break in?" 

"I'm Jaehyun's friend."

"Jaehyun doesn't have friends."

Sangyeon laughs. He likes this girl whoever she is. "Are you one of Haknyeon's friends?" Sangyeon asks. He takes stock of how all the clothes this woman is wearing appears to be a very large T-shirt and an odd pair of socks so he adds, "Or something."

"I'm Haknyeon's girlfriend. Why haven't I met you before? Does Haknyeon not like you?" 

Sangyeon has no idea why that is the case. He was under the impression he could also count as one of Haknyeon's friends in addition to this mostly unsatisfactory epithet of being Jaehyun's friend. 

"I thought he liked me."

The woman sits on the sofa beside Sangyeon and pats his shoulder. "I'm sorry but he doesn't like you. I've never heard of you. But at least you have Jaehyun."

That isn't the best consolation. The expression on Jaehyun's face saps the compromise right out of the consolation. 

"Jiwoo, go and tell Haknyeon you don't know who he is again," Jaehyun says as he shoos her away. Jiwoo pulls a face and scurries back to the kitchen. Jaehyun takes her vacated seat. "Do you have any plans?" 

"At quarter past eleven? On a Tuesday night?" 

"Do you want to go to my room?" 

Jiwoo clears her throat as she passes the sofa with a glass of water. Jaehyun waits until she has left before he says, "It's too late for you to go home. You can come to my room to talk. And sleep. And that's it."

"What else would we do?" Sangyeon asks. Maybe he is being facetious by asking something like that, and maybe the words come out more bitterly than intended but Jaehyun always seems most unfair like this. 

He already isn't happy with Sangyeon because of his own unreasonable thought processes but Sangyeon knows that if he refuses the invitation (to talk and sleep and that's it) he is going to hand Jaehyun another reason to hold things against him. Sangyeon is trying to be a friend and he is trying not to do anything to ruin that. Not being able to leave his embarrassment at misunderstanding Jaehyun's intentions in the past will certainly ruin his attempts to be a friend. But perhaps Jaehyun doesn't care about Sangyeon’s tone of voice or the fact that he is being unfair. 

"Shut up," he grumbles. 

Sangyeon sighs. He would have relished a chance like this a month ago. Now it feels like he has been offered a challenge and little else. He knows he will fail whatever challenge this is. He shouldn't find it so easy to make himself excuses to stay. 

He'll do what Jaehyun wants (to talk and sleep and that's it) and he'll pretend he isn't glad of the opportunity to imagine the ways things could be different. 

"I don't like the way I left my car," Sangyeon says. "Can I go and park up properly?" 

"If you go now I will change my mind," Jaehyun points out. "I'm mad at you."

Sangyeon is the one who should be mad. He doesn't say that. He says, "I don't have a toothbrush or anything to wear."

"Don't start eyeing up my toothbrush. Use your finger. I can give you some clothes."

"You're impossible, you know that?" 

"Even if I wasn't mad at you I wouldn't want you to use my toothbrush."

Sangyeon scoffs. "I don't want to use it in the first place, idiot. I'm talking about the fact you have an answer for everything and you won't even let me go home. I can drive home just fine at nighttime, it isn't a big deal."

"Then go." 

Somehow it sounds like a threat. 

"I'll stay," Sangyeon says. He half expects Jaehyun to change his mind and tell Sangyeon to leave. He doesn't. He silently gets up and walks to his room. Sangyeon follows. 

Getting ready for bed doesn't feel as domestic as Sangyeon had thought it would. He thinks it might have something to do with how emphatically Jaehyun warns him off using any of his expensive skincare products even though all the products in the cheaper price bracket are practically empty and unnecessarily taking up space in the bathroom. He also thinks it had something to do with the consensus which has floated its way between them since Sangyeon mistook a smile for a signal. They're two tentative friends about to share a bed just to prove that they don't care. 

Sangyeon cares a lot. 

Sangyeon knows he is going to struggle to sleep but he steals Jaehyun's phone charger and scrolls aimlessly through timeliness whilst his phone is plugged in. He thinks he might be on the wrong side of inconsiderate when he texts Jacob just to let him know he won't be home tonight. Hopefully Jacob already locked up for the night. Hopefully he isn't having to interrupt sleep, or a movie, or some other activity because he thought Sangyeon would keep his promise of returning home. 

"Can you turn that thing off?" Jaehyun groans from the other side of the bed. Sangyeon glances over to see Jaehyun glaring over his shoulder in the dark. "If I wanted to see the Northern Lights from my bed I'd live in the North Pole." 

Sangyeon laughs. He locks his phone and puts it face down on the floor. He can't see anything. He can just hear Jaehyun's arhythmic breathing as he shifts on the mattress. 

"I thought you wanted me to stay over so we could talk. You've hardly said a word to me since I said I would stay."

"I'm mad at you, remember?" 

"Because you're literally an insane person," Sangyeon says. "You might be wrong about Eric anyway so talking about it so much is stupid."

"Why do you think I'm wrong?" Jaehyun's question slices through the dark though his follow up much blunter. "If you didn't think so before, did you not guess after hearing what that 'outreach club' is about?" 

"No. Well you could still be wrong about that, but I meant that I think you're wrong about him wanting to tell us. I think he'd tell the other kids first. Not us."

Jaehyun's exhale wavers somewhere between the choking remnants of a laugh and a release of frustration. 

"You can't be mad at him," Sangyeon says quietly. He thinks his eyes are growing accustomed to the dark. He can see the peak of Jaehyun’s shoulder and the range the length of his body projects against the gloom of the night. He's barely moving. 

"Who am I supposed to be mad at? Am I allowed to be mad at Eric when he ends up making mistakes that I could have talked him out of if he had just opened up to me?" 

"No," Sangyeon says, "You're not allowed to be mad then either."

"So I'm supposed to just wait around helplessly whilst he is probably making mistakes I could have helped him to avoid? Are you not going to be mad?" 

Sangyeon shakes his head. Then he remembers that Jaehyun wouldn't be able to see that even if he was looking. He says, "If anything happens we just have to be there to help him afterwards. Everyone makes mistakes and he shouldn't be made to feel bad about anything that doesn't turn out well for him."

Sangyeon hears Jaehyun shift and then he feels Jaehyun pinch his arm much harder than necessary. 

"What was that for?" 

"I want to stop him from making mistakes that he doesn't need to," Jaehyun says. "We could vet the people he likes to make sure he isn't going off with some creep."

Sangyeon is hesitant to bring up things Jaehyun rarely mentions himself but this is the best time. Their conversations have hinted enough that Sangyeon hopes it wouldn't be out of line for him to be direct. 

"Before," Sangyeon says carefully, "When you first started meeting people, did you start seeing them because you liked them or was it because your parents approved of them?"

Jaehyun doesn't say anything for a moment. Sangyeon hears him move and feels the chill of air as Jaehyun pulls the duvet away. As much as Sangyeon would like to enjoy a speechless Jaehyun, he wouldn't be able to enjoy a Jaehyun who fell out with him. 

"You start to know yourself when you're young and you believe you already know everything. You wouldn't listen to anyone because you thought you knew better. He was nice, he really cared for you, he said you were so grown up that you understood him completely, he was different to other men, he wanted to leave his family and be with you forever."

"Stop," Jaehyun says. 

Sangyeon pauses but he isn't sure that he should stop. "People tried to talk you out of it but you just got mad at everyone and said they didn't understand. You didn't need any of us. None of us knew him like you did." 

"Sangyeon," Jaehyun warns redundantly. 

"I wished he would die. I know you shouldn't say things like that but I really did. I wished he would die or get caught or anything else that would keep him away from you. You were miserable and you were a terrible liar. Every time you said that man loved you I wanted to tell you that you were wrong. I… You didn't want to see that other people out there could really love you. I wanted things to be different but you fought me all the time. It was horrible to see how strongly you defended a man who was manipulating you. So I wished he'd die because that was the only thing that I thought would make you see that you weren't really happy."

Jaehyun is quiet. Very quiet. 

Sangyeon waits. 

Sangyeon could have left things, he could have stopped talking when Jaehyun told him to, but he needed to get some things off his chest. They never talk about how things were a few years ago. Sangyeon just hopes that he didn't expose too much of himself, that he didn't sound like he had always been waiting only to end up disappointed when he mistook something harmless and thoughtless for the answer he had wanted for so long. 

Jaehyun still hasn't said anything. Sangyeon can't even hear him breathe. Sangyeon reaches his hand through the dark but withdraws it when Jaehyun flinches at the touch. 

"I hate you," Jaehyun says tightly. "Why can't you just be my friend?" 

Sangyeon relaxes into the pillows and smiles to himself. He doesn't mind hearing something like this after so many years. He says, "Sorry, I can't help it."

"You're not even trying."

"You're not trying either. With Eric. You're assuming the worst already when he might not be anything like you. Maybe he'll fall in love with someone age appropriate and have the good kinds of romance in his life. We can look after him through normal heartbreak. But we can't force him to tell us anything, Jaehyun. We can't forbid him to meet people we don't like. We can't stop him from making mistakes at all just because we have already made them. He needs to live his own life. And you have to trust that he will tell us things in his own time."

Sangyeon expects some sort of response but he gets nothing. He has no idea how to speak sense into Jaehyun's head. He's never been able to do it for all the time they have known each other. He's not even sure that his thoughts are sensible anymore. 

Jaehyun is quiet for long enough that Sangyeon supposes he has fallen asleep. That's fine. They just won't agree. Sangyeon closes his eyes and wills himself to become tired enough to fall asleep in Jaehyun's bed. 

"Did you hate that guy because you were genuinely worried for me or because you were in love with me?" 

Sangyeon opens his eyes. So they're still talking (not yet at the stage for sleeping and that's it). 

"Can it be both?" 

"No. You only hated him because you were jealous. You can't compare that to Eric's situation."

"Eric doesn't have a situation right now."

"Hypothetical situation," Jaehyun says. 

"Hopefully he won't have any sort of situation at all. Just because he has all the worst parts of you it doesn't mean he will do the same things you did."

Jaehyun doesn't say anything. Sangyeon is so tired. He'll shut up soon. Just in case Jaehyun is still listening, Sangyeon says, "He has all the best parts of you too. He has a good heart. He'll attract good people and they'll do whatever they can to protect him from the bad ones."

Sangyeon squeezes his eyes shut and tries his hardest to remember how to fall asleep in the silence after his words. He knows that he really won't be in the mood to drive home in the morning after lying awake all night. He considers setting an alarm to remind him to escape at a mildly civilised time. 

"Sangyeon, I'm cold."

Jaehyun's voice is quiet, the breath of a hope of not being heard at all. Sangyeon doesn't like how things are being left, and he half expects to meet a Jaehyun who is still annoyed by his perception of secrets, but right now Jaehyun is asking something of him. They're dropping the subject completely and that has to be okay. 

Sangyeon wonders why he feels so compelled to surrender at a time like this. He can make himself give up because he can pretend that they can talk more rationally some other time. But he isn't sure how well he can force himself to believe the other part of what hadn't been said aloud. 

This doesn't mean a thing, they're just lying beside each other and it isn't an indication that there is anything beyond this for them. This is just another time that Sangyeon should observe the distance and be silently grateful that he is allowed this much. He slots himself against Jaehyun under the duvet, feels the cautious tension which dissolves between them, and promises himself that he can do this much without wanting the impossible beyond. 

**Author's Note:**

> the initial idea was very different to this so i am ambivalent about this.


End file.
